How can I have feelings when my feelings have always been denied? ~John Lennon
The mantras drilled into my head was, “Forget about it. Ignore it until it goes away. Act as if nothing is wrong.” Pain, sadness, emotional distress, any nonpositive emotion was to be suppressed, stuffed deep into the bowels to mix with excrement and be shit out. But the emotions refused to be voided. The pestilence festered until it poisoned the entire system.
I suppressed negative emotions so thoroughly I was unable to recognize my own emotions deep into my twenties. They were a foreign language I could not speak even when my life depended upon it. There was no communication with my interior life. No, not quite true. There was the three Hs. I was able to feel an emotion close to happiness along with hungry and horny…but…I’m not sure about the happy part.
There’s always been a shark swimming just below the surface of happiness, circling, staring with depthless, obsidian eyes, a black hole chewing away happiness with row after row of serrated, triangular, flesh-flaying teeth. A thousand daggers sinking into my soul would be kinder than the eyes. I longed for the shark to finish the job. That pain would be intense but welcome if it consumed all debilitating despair. Those eyes, those damn eyes stoke a lingering despair fire always consuming. Never healing. Never ending.