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I Will Dwell In the House of David Forever


Isolation from others was a leitmotif that ran through his entire life. ~Haruki Murakami

There are times looking back upon my life I see evidence of a patzer moving me from square to square trying desperately to not lose, seeking a draw while stumbling and staying in the match. The move sending me to India realized a black knight traveling diagonally across life where once existed a single forward pawn on a white square.

India was the locus of, not the reason for, my transformation. It could have been almost anywhere in the world. Circumstances decided the move would be to the far side of the board to a solitary square in the mystical Indian subcontinent, a desperate move designed to cheat checkmate eventually resulting in accidental victory.

By virtue of being alone, I had to confront my fear of loneliness, learn I harbored a strong preference for living isolated. Tracing the moves back to the game’s beginning, I see those favoring solitude, favoring a square with unknown neighbors, favoring time outside of time to immerse in the self.

Solitude was a lifestyle I fiercely fought not realizing I was dealing death blows to myself, slowly snuffing out my smoldering essence. I was yang seeking fulfillment in yin, a fish attempting validation by tree climbing and existing arboreal, a loner carried along by a stampeding herd.

I moved away from yin, into the water, akimbo to the stampede finally discovering myself in a single shard of a mirror splintered by pounding hooves. I was (am) broken. I was lost. I am discovered.

I am designed a person that thrives in solitude, craves isolation to sift the sand blowing in my mind where I discover pearls formed of my own creation. And I will dwell in the house of David forever.

15 Oct 2018

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