Leave a comment

My Own Personal Hell


I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. ~Haruki Murakami

Beginning with my entrance into the phase of the horny teenager, I’ve spent my life seeking a relationship in which I feel loved enough to be myself without fear of rejection, of not being enough to quench the thirst of my beloved.

This aching desire came long after the horny teen wanted little more than getting into the lace panties of any female with half decent hygiene. Even the drive for sex was predicated upon acceptance that I was worth another human’s emotional investment granting me entry into the sacred, the divine, the pink sacristy.

Penetrating the sacred has been significantly easier than touching the soul which I have glimpsed occasionally, never granted permanent access. It is more elusive than finding a religious zealot willing to invest more in the faith than lip service and an hour on Sunday.

I’m sure…mostly sure…think I should be sure…that I have not been fully accepted because I am a person who is difficult to stomach. A woman absent the constitution of a Billy Goat winds up projectile purging me onto a trash-lined street. And each time I am surprised.

I always thought I was an open book, a person easily bearing my flayed soul to an intimate until a longish relationship ended with the words, “I know almost nothing about you.” And when I meditated on those scorching words, I realized she was right. I know little of myself. If I don’t know myself, how can I expect another to have and hold my heart? The more I plumb my depths the less I seem to know for I find it difficult to determine if the me I’m excavating is the true me or the me I wish I was, a never-ending conundrum.

I am condemned by my own fundamental essence to wander ever seeking to be fully loved, be accepted for who I am. It is my own personal hell.

29 Apr 2019

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Yip Abides

but not forever

Passport Overused

Showing the beauty of this world through the people, places and culture

Lluís Bussé

photography

a.mermaid'spen_

Be careful, I might convince you.. You are art.✨

Top 10 of Anything and Everything - The Fun Top Ten Blog

Animals, Gift Ideas, Travel, Books, Recycling Ideas and Many, Many More

shakemyheadhollow

Conceptual spaces: politics, philosophy, art, literature, religion, cultural history

One Rule || Simplicity

The art of Maximising the amount of work NOT done

travelingpersecond.wordpress.com/

Learning Culture by Traveling

Petesteph1's Blog

"Shootin' from the Hip Photography Tips"

emotionspassion.com

Emotional musings- emotionspassion@gmail.com

Julie Around The Globe

The less traveled paths

The Broad Spectrum Life

Exploring Rhymes, Reasons, and Nuances of Our World

ABnormal

Travel / Outdoors / Lifestyle

Sunyar Unseen India

Explore unexplored India

roads bel travelled

Exploring open roads without breaking the bank

Cookie Vagabond

European travel blog and visa on Indian passport

Everydayhero

life & travel / vida & viajes

Kelsey Schmitt

Travel & Lifestyle

The Bibliofile

Book Reviews, Books, Bestsellers, Literary Fiction

%d bloggers like this: